The 25th of November marks the start of the United Nations’ (UN) annual 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children Campaign. According to the UN, around the world a woman is killed intentionally by a partner or family member every 11 minutes. This represents 55% of all female homicides globally.
These are alarming international statistics. In South Africa, the picture does not look much better. According to StatsSA, one in five partnered women has experienced physical violence by a partner. About 29% of assaults on women are committed by unknown persons and 46% of South African women feel very unsafe walking alone at night in their neighbourhoods.
The normalisation of violence – ranging from domestic abuse to harassment at work and in public spaces, to digital violence – led our government to announce it would implement the Emergency Response Action Plan on Gender-Based Violence and Femicide in September 2019. Combatting our culture of normalised abuse against women and girls through awareness and education is an important step towards reducing incidents of femicide.
At the same time, we know that female homicides are often the result of repeated, escalating episodes of domestic abuse. How can you support someone who is being victimised?
Listen, offer support and respect their choices
Admitting to being a victim of abuse can be incredibly difficult. Abuse sufferers often feel shame and guilt, believing that they have somehow done something to deserve the abuse. It’s a difficult conversation to start but expressing concern about their safety and allowing them to dictate how much they are comfortable discussing their situation is important. Let them speak, let them know you believe them and that they are not alone. Reassure them that their experience is not their fault and ask how best you can support them.
It’s important not to pressure them into leaving. It’s never as simple as it may seem. There are many reasons that women choose to stay in abusive relationships, including financial dependency on their abuser, feeling isolated and a realistic fear that leaving will be dangerous for them or their children. While offering support and resources to facilitate leaving is helpful, being judgemental or making them feel bad if they choose to stay is not.
Be patient and keep in touch
Be patient as your friend or family member works through the reasons keeping them trapped in their abusive relationship. Keep in touch, keep the lines of communication open, and recommend resources such as helplines, shelters, support groups, mental health services or anything else they may need.
Resources include Safe Speaks, Lifeline South Africa, the National Shelter Movement of South Africa, Tears Foundation, People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA), the Warrior Project and many others around the country. The South African Police Services (SAPS) can also help you find resources and support services.
Sidenote: All these charitable organisations could benefit greatly from donations or volunteers to help them support victims.
Help make a safety plan
When your friend or family member is ready to leave, it’s important that they have a safety plan in place. The horrifying truth is that, around the world, victims of abuse are at the greatest risk of experiencing escalated violence or being killed in the first 18 months after leaving their abusive partner.
Safety planning is crucial to getting out of the abusive situation and staying safe after leaving. Safety plans include having a get-away bag packed and stored with a trusted friend, having a place to stay arranged, having money saved in an individual savings account and applying for a protection order with SAPS. For a helpful set of safety planning tools, visit Battered Women’s Support Services.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, Lifeline South Africa has a 24-hour toll free helpline and WhatsApp channel, reachable on 0800 150 150. Most of the support centres listed above do, too. Getting help starts with a conversation.